This is a particularly difficult post to write. But a very important one, and one that I am hoping will help others who find themselves in the same situation. I know I haven’t written in a while, life has been very busy! We added Beau, a Bernese/Rottweiler mix to the household last year from the Toronto Humane Society. And Benson had TPLO surgery last year with a long and difficult recovery. And of course, now Ben’s passing.
Life Was Too Normal
So life was just starting to look somewhat normal again. Dogs were doing well, cats were doing well. We were in a good routine. Benson was spending a lot of time outside, but the winter weather this year was cold, snowy and miserable. Perfect for a Berner! And Benson had always spent a lot of time outside in the winter so it didn’t seem all that odd.
Benson could also be particular with his food. He scared himself once by banging into his raised feeder and flat out refused to even eat out of the bowl for a very long time so we had to be creative! And after his surgery I had him on a diet to lose a few pounds to help with his recovery so even his weight loss wasn’t sending red flags since that was what we were trying to do.
Things Take a Turn
I found myself on a work trip out of town and left my daughter in charge of the pack. When I got back she told me Benson hadn’t eaten anything the entire two days I was gone. So off to the vet. He was having some diarrhea as well and initially the vet thought it was a stomach issue. Benny was making this coughing/retching noise as well so he got an anti-nausea shot. However, the coughing and retching continued after the shot should have calmed his stomach down and my vet decided to do an ultrasound.
The ultrasound showed there was some fluid buildup in his abdomen, not good. So off he went to get some x-rays. The result just about broke me – a large mass in his chest. Well, the tears started pretty much immediately but I was optimistic we’d still have some time left. I opted not to go the route of chemotherapy as I feel that would have been a decision for me and not him and that it was simply not fair to him.
But this is also a good reason to make sure that your vet visits are up to date. Dogs are experts at hiding things, it’s in their nature. Your vet may well catch something much sooner. Read more on the importance of regular vet visits here.
The Swift Decline
Anticipatory grief became my daily companion. I started paying particular attention to Benson, any little sign he wasn’t doing well and his decline was fast, far too fast. I was taking him to all the places he loved, taking him with me everywhere and showering him with love and attention.
We went to Petsmart to see the birds at ground level since he loved to watch them flutter around in their cage. It was in there I noticed he had become weak and confused. He was also having trouble breathing, each breath incredibly laboured. So I had to make the tough decision to schedule his euthanasia, a mere week after finding out he was sick. We opted for a peaceful in-home euthanasia with the other pets so they had the chance to say goodbye as well.
His last day, March 8, I just took him out in the front yard where the clean snow was still plentiful and sat with him and gave him love while he enjoyed the snow. The neighbours and his friends came to say goodbye. There were lots of tears and hugs for my big man, he was and still is so very loved. He ate not one but two big steaks! And right before he passed he got to taste chocolate, no surprise that he loved it.
Photo Credit: Jack Jackson Dog Photography
After
When it was done it seemed surreal. My Benson was gone. I would never come home to that big goofy boy again. I know I have three other dogs, but my Benny was my special guy. He was the only one who would sleep with me, even now after he is gone. That was Ben’s spot. Benson was my world, my loyal and constant companion. He’s my heart and soul dog. How can I possibly go on without him.
The Immediate Impact
That night, I was non-stop ugly crying but I don’t think reality really set in until I woke up the next morning to an empty bed beside me. I set my alarm early to get my morning cuddles in with him. And even though he was quite capable of getting off the bed he needed my “help” (a hand on his back…) getting out. I laid there crying for hours. And when I finally managed to get up I couldn’t handle being in the house, I leashed the dogs and took them to the dog park for a long time.
When I finally came home my daughter was awake and wanted to get out of the house as well so we went for a walk. And I think having the other dogs helped me get through it, I still had to go get them food and take care of them rather than curl into a ball like I wanted to.
So Many Tears
Crying became my new normal. Multiple times every day for weeks afterwards. I still cry. I felt like a zombie going through the motions of life. Going back to the office resulted in many breaks crying in the bathroom. The deep sadness and hollowness was like nothing I have felt before. Losing other pets has been difficult but none have impacted me so profoundly as losing Benson. Benny. Mr. B. Benito. Porkchop.
I had another full breakdown when they called to tell me they found the metal plate from his TPLO with his remains after his aquamation was done, and I lost it yet again. And again when his urn was returned home. I have never cried like this in my life. Sassy stepped in and became a stage 5 clinger with me. She wouldn’t leave my side (except for sleeping of course…). I believe she understood the sadness I was feeling and with Grace mourning as well she decided it was up to her to provide me with comfort.
Starting to Heal
So I tried doing all the things that people tell you to do to try to make yourself feel better. I wrote some notes to Ben and for myself. I kept busy. And I didn’t hold back the tears, every tear I cry is a testament to the bond that I still feel with Benson and will forever.
But after a month the grief was still crushing. I got resin pocket paws made with his ashes in them, and I carry one around with me everywhere. It’s a comfort to hold and have close. I put it in bed beside me at night and it’s the first thing I reach for in the morning. We did a photo shoot last winter and I have his pictures with his urn beside my bed. I thought about scattering some of his ashes in places he loved, but I realized the place he loved to be best was with me wherever I was. His nose and pawprint are hanging at the front door.
And while everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to do this, I simply could not handle seeing his food bowl at his spot or his leash and collar hanging by the front door. I packed them up and put them away.
A Much Needed Reset
My daughter and I decided that the grief was still too much and we needed a reset. We booked a last minute trip to St. Lucia to get some warm and sun after the winter. And it was there that I started to heal. I realized that it had been days since I last cried. And I was feeling good and actually happy.
By the end of the trip, I was ready to come back home and see the other pets. For a change coming into the house didn’t feel heavy. Do I still have moments of sadness? Yes of course. And tears although they aren’t as frequent. I can laugh at memories of Benson. I feel myself coming back to life and getting back to normal. It has been 135 days since Benson passed now.
But I think what helped us all get over that final hump of bone crushing grief was unexpectedly bringing a new puppy home, Barney. And yes, of course another Berner! He is a very funny and vocal little guy and he has brought a lot of renewed joy and happiness to all of us. But again, the timing of bringing home a new dog after losing a soul dog is profoundly personal.
The Common Questions
A lot of pet parents feel guilt surrounding planned euthanasia. Did I do it too soon? Did I wait too long? Was my dog suffering? I don’t feel that guilt. To me, it was a kindness to let him go, before the pain and suffering became too much. I let him go with his dignity. That was my last gift to him for the almost six years that he was my constant companion. And I was by his side right to the very end.
I will always miss him terribly, but I am starting to find joy in his memories rather than always sadness. My big Benson, afraid of the broom, yoga mat, a remote falling to the floor…he would run to the back door and go hide in the yard. The rolling around and being goofy on his walks, wrestling with Grace in the middle of the street holding up traffic. I can watch and laugh and smile at videos of him and his antics.
And while my grief is finally easing, there is no set rule on how long it can take. It’s totally normal to grieve for a long time when losing a pet, particularly a soul pet. Benson, you are my special boy. I know you are happy and healthy and always around us, and I am grateful for you and to have known and been loved by you. I love you, now and forever.
Benson’s Legacy
Part of Benson’s legacy that he left me is knowledge. That dog and I went through a lot together. And to honour that legacy means to share that knowledge. Get going on this blog again. Actually put something on my Substack. Get active on social media again. And to mention Benson in everything I write.
For pet parents coping with the loss of their pet, there are many great resources out there that can help. Losing a pet is extremely difficult. They are our unwavering companions and provide us with unconditional, constant and pure love and they just don’t live long enough. And we know this going into it and still do it anyways, because it is worth it.
If you have recently lost a pet and are looking for support, you can access the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement here.
